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Post by SpringSummers on Nov 28, 2005 16:25:58 GMT -5
Hope you enjoyed the review!
Discuss away!
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Post by Spaced Out Looney on Nov 28, 2005 20:45:36 GMT -5
Here you go, Spring. I think you need this more than I do. What I do need is a cigarette after reading this review, and I don't even smoke. ;D
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Post by Spaced Out Looney on Nov 28, 2005 20:50:03 GMT -5
Screen Caps of JM from SolitudeTWOP Recap JM Scenes. Central Kansas A&M. Free steak fries with every course taken! The camera is at a freakishly low angle as Professor SoFine is talking to Clark. Must be trying to make him look taller. He says that most humans believe the Earth was made in seven days; he's surprised it took this long for Clark to trust him. Clark has no idea what that means, but he says he wants to know more about Jarnelle. First off, has he been pronouncing it wrong all this time? SoFine says that, like all historical figures, Janelle must be studied in context. He bores Clark by suggesting that they start at the beginning. Dammit, man, there's no time! Clark must start from the 2/3rds mark! Only then will he truly comprehend it all! Clark says he's worried for his mother. SoFine asks if it has to do with the bargain Clark made. Clark should have waited for Double Coupons Day. Clark asks how SoFine knows about that. SoFine says he's been keeping an eye on Clark for months. Just months? SoFine asks if MamaKent has marks on her skin. They're called freckles, Space Perfectionist. Clark says no, but asks if that's significant. SoFine says, "In due time." Dammit, we haven't got due time! Give us fragments from late in the story! Clark says that he has the right to know about his father. SoFine agrees, but says it'll take time. "I'm ready now!" Clark snaps. Give us the Krypt's Notes version, doc! SoFine tells Clark that impatience is a pathetic human trait. Oh, I don't have to stand here and listen to this shit. Wait, I'm sorry. That was pretty human, huh? SoFine, snapping shut his briefcase, says that's to be expected from someone raised by such a primitive race. Oh, by the way, Clark peed at his desk. Hope you don't mind, Professor. Clark says he cares a great deal about this "primitive race." It's an amazing race, really, especially our reality shows. Clark says he cares much more about them than he does about Krypton. "Waiting...patiently," SoFine says. What are...things Clark isn't going to stand here and do, jackass? That's it. I'm outta here. Call me when you're not such a dingus, old man.
******
Speaking of SoFine, he's walking the campus when Clark runs up and approaches him. SoFine asks if Clark wants some lecture notes or if he's ready for his "independent study." Clark tells SoFine that a mark did show up on MamaKent's arm. SoFine asks him to describe it. Clark says it's like a bruise with "veiny strands." Veiny Strands is available for any rockin' gigs you may want to book in the New Jersey area. SoFine stops his stride and sighs heavily. He says that Clark's dad used to torture dissidents on Krypton the same way. With vague shoulder marks and fainting? Sounds like pretty wussy torture to me. Here in America, we know how to torture the right way. Clark goes, "What?" SoFine says he can't hide the truth anymore. He says that Jarnelle was a violent dictator. Anyone who spoke out was locked away: "Even a great hero of the people. Zod." SoFine says that if Zod hadn't been captured, he might have saved Krypton from evisceration. "My father destroyed Krypton?" Clark asks, incredulous. SoFine says, "Billions of people died." And to make matters worse, FEMA got there a week too late. SoFine says bitterly, "But he made sure his only son survived." This is the part where, if SoFine were telling the truth, he'd smack Clark across the mouth on behalf of Zod. Clark tries on a stony look. It saves him from having to make an expression. SoFine says that the plan is for Clark to conquer the human race and recreate Krypton on Earth. How about Krypton on Ice? It could be really kicky! Think about it, guys. Clark asks why he should believe SoFine. SoFine tells Clark to believe whatever he wants; he's just concerned about MamaKent's health and needs to see her immediately. It just so happens that SoFine has a medical specialty in veiny strands.
Kent home. SoFine examines MamaKent's gruesomely colorful arm. Bo bellows that SoFine's not a doctor, and that what they need is medical attention. He tells SoFine just to get out of his way so that he can take MamaKent to the hospital, which you'd figure he'd have already done by now. Clark tells Bo that the doctors can't help. SoFine asks MamaKent if she fell unconscious a day and a half before. "Yes, exactly," she says. Bo tells Clark to go get the truck. SoFine stands and tells Bo that if doctors puncture MamaKent's skin or use medication, she could die instantly. Why not try Robitussin? Bo asks why he should trust SoFine. "He's Kryptonian," says Clark. "This could be a Kryptonian disease." It's a Kryptonian thing, Bo, you wouldn't understand. MamaKent suddenly seizes, shaking as she sits on the couch. Bo asks what's happening. SoFine asks if they have a meteor rock handy. It's in the pantry next to the Pop-Tarts. Clark yells for Bo to go get the rock from a closet. Clark and SoFine get out of the way as Bo brings the little box over. "Hold it to her forehead," SoFine says. Bo takes out the glowing meteor rock and places it on her head. He tells her to breathe. Breathe, damn you! Live! MamaKent calms down. Clark says it's working. SoFine cheers everybody up by saying that's not true. There is no cure, and all the rock is doing is easing her pain. Hey, did you hear the one about Alexander the Great and how he...oh, too soon? Sorry. SoFine says that in a matter of hours, Clark's Earth mother will be dead. Foreboding music plays. MamaKent's still not looking too healthy.
Front porch. Clark says he's leaving to go see Jarnelle. SoFine says that Clark's biological dad is only going to feed him more lies. Mmm, lies. Bo asks angrily whether Clark's biological dad is responsible for this. Sorta? Bo asks Clark what's going on, as SoFine goes inside to see what's in the fridge. Clark says that when he was brought back to life, Jarnelle said that someone would have to die in exchange. "So he is going after your mother," Bo reasons. He asks why Clark didn't mention this sooner. Clark says he didn't want them to worry. Well, we're worried now, dammit! Bo says that Clark is the only one who can stop this, so he tells him to go on and do something. "I won't let him kill her," Clark says. "Don't," Bo advises, sagely. Clark superzips out of the scene. Bo wonders if SoFine already ate all the fried chicken from the fridge.
*****
Clark's college. SoFine is walking seriously through campus as Chloe, wearing a not-at-all-inconspicuous beige trench coat, pretends to make a phone call. Why does SoFine walk at all if he can just zip everywhere? Chloe hangs up the pay phone, and we realize that her coat is missing the bottom half. So, does this mean Chloe is investigating SoFine? I guess that's what the investigative coat was all about.
******
Chloe is still sneaking around inside. She finds an opening in a giant exhaust fan and peeks through, seeing the tip of the spaceship and a pool of black oil under it. She watches as the oil moves and piles up to form Professor SoFine. He's so slick! A guard finds Chloe. He calls for backup. Chloe looks back to the hangar, but SoFine is gone.
*****
SoFine at the lecture hall. Clark, desperate, comes in and tells SoFine that he'll do anything to save his mother. Anything? Take off your shirt, farmboy. SoFine says there's one option, but that he wouldn't recommend it. What's your stance on ice dildos, Clark? Clark asks what it is. SoFine sighs. He says that Jarnelle is still Clark's only link with his past. "Just tell me what it is!" Clark snaps. You impatient ass! SoFine says that the only way to save MamaKent is to destroy the Fortress of Solitude. You must make it into a Fortress of Exploditude. SoFine explains calmly that if he destroys that, Jarnelle will lose his grip on MamaKent. Clark mutters that Jarnelle has only ever tried to ruin his life. SoFine says that was Jarnelle's M.O. on Krypton, too. Clark tries to look menacing. "I want him gone," he says. Dead! Head on a pike! Mincemeat! Horse in his bed! Unalive! SoFine sighs, but he's thinking, "I got this bitch right where I want him."
******
The Caves of Contrivance. Clark and SoFine approach the Interstellar Poker Table of Instantaneous Travel and Backgammon. Clark sticks his octagonal key in the slot. Hey, they raised it to 50 cents! That sucks! Bright light glows, wrapping Clark and SoFine in it.
The ice fortress! "I'll tear this place down, piece by piece," Clark says. Yeah, you go do that. Way to be efficient. Clark asks where he should start. "Right here," SoFine says, holding out an ice dildo. Oh, you sick bastard. It's big and black and just Clark's type. SoFine says that when Clark puts it in the console (is that what the kids are calling it these days?), Jarnelle and his ice fortress will be no more. He'll die of shame. SoFine says that the self-destruction mechanism was Zod's, but that Zod was a man of peace and would only use it as a last resort. Clark holds the ice dildo like a vampire stake (yes, we get the reference) and says, "You'll never hurt my family again!" He jabs the black ice dildo into a chamber. So...big! Everything around Clark and SoFine glows red and begins to shake. Oh no, a blood vessel burst! Clark starts to feel weak all of a sudden. It's because SoFine is holding a piece of Kryptonite. "I couldn't have done it without you!" SoFine says, suddenly eeeeeevil. He claims that Clark is the only one who could affect the fortress. SoFine says that now that Clark's done his part, he's just a petty annoyance. I'll agree on the annoyance part. Clark figures out that SoFine, immune to the rock, must not be Kryptonian. SoFine says that he was built by a Kryptonian: "But I'm a whooooole lot smarter. You are free, General Zod!" SoFine backs Clark onto a flat surface and keeps the meteor rock held over our Big, Dumb Alien. SoFine says that Zod is the one true Kryptonian, and that Zod can finally rid Earth of the "scourge of humans." Aw, but what about Frisbee golf? That's kind of fun! Don't get rid of that! Clark, hobbled, figures out that everything SoFine said about Jarnelle was actually about Zod. Clark also figures out that it was SoFine who poisoned MamaKent. SoFine says that Clark's giving up his Kryptonian heritage for a single human makes him a pathetic disgrace. He lays the rock on Clark's chest and bids Clark goodbye. Yeah, just leave the hero alone, why don't you? A portal opens on one of the ice walls. SoFine greets Zod and welcomes him to his new home.
******
Chloe at the fortress. She sees all hell breaking loose, but goes to Clark first. As SoFine has his back turned and his superhearing set to "Low," Chloe chucks the meteor rock away from Clark. Clark gets up and removes the black dildo from its hole. Awww. We see a flat square disc flying toward us from the portal, but all that disappears as soon as the dildo is free. Chloe, freezing, watches from a corner. SoFine charges at Clark, but Clark spins and sends SoFine flying in the same direction, past him. SoFine flies in slow motion across the fortress. Clark goes to Chloe. SoFine zips back over to them. His eyes glow orange. He eyejaculates at Clark, sending him flying. Clark lands on some ice shards. SoFine grabs the black dildo and tries to stab Clark with it. Clark resists. Clark gives a mighty push, sending SoFine flying again. SoFine falls backward, landing right on the sharp ice crystal holders. He is impaled. To prove their point, the clear crystals extend through his chest. SoFine loses his grip on the mighty black ice dildo. Clark approaches him. SoFine turns his head to look at Clark. There's blood coming out of his mouth. And eye. Eww. SoFine disappears in a flash of light.
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Post by Lola m on Nov 28, 2005 21:27:16 GMT -5
**snerk** James the banana-blueberry muffin. Doe-eyed over an Ohio State Buck. ;D At the mention of Milton, Mom understandably drops a tea pot, and says that she feels something burning, but she may be cured by her new, Little-Debbieless diet plan. A professor at Central Kansas A&M who is so hot that he can start a fire at 30 paces. I'm resolutely ignoring the "faster than a speeding bullet" part. "Having a delayed reaction to Milton, Martha loses all control! Her body suddenly begins to quiver, shudder and shake. Wow. Been there. Done that." Followed by: "John is apparently completely unfamiliar with this sort of vibration from Martha." ;D Huh. First we have Chloe's Spring-approved use of the fake pay phone call as part of her Fine stalking technique. And then we get: "Refusing to take no for an answer, Clark approaches his professor for the third time in one day. He tells Milton that he’ll “do anything!” I can almost hear the hourly, sonorous bells of Orton Hall, as they peal across OSU’s campus. Good work, Clark." Gosh - everyone's getting the thumbs up from Spring! But I think my favorite piece, um part ah lines were: You know, someone outta embroider that on a pillow. By the time we moved on to crystals plunging into waiting orifices, growing excitement leading to a handful of glowing green Kryptonite, premature withdrawal and exposing acorns, I was rolling on the floor with laughter! Too too funny, Spring! You've done it again. Hey. For some reason, I'm hungry now . . .
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Post by SpringSummers on Nov 28, 2005 21:53:52 GMT -5
Here you go, Spring. I think you need this more than I do. What I do need is a cigarette after reading this review, and I don't even smoke. ;D LOL! You know, I did keep craving Little Debbie's as I wrote the review. And Marlboros. Thanks for the feedback, Liz. I aim to please.
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Post by SpringSummers on Nov 28, 2005 21:56:09 GMT -5
**snerk** James the banana-blueberry muffin. Doe-eyed over an Ohio State Buck. ;D At the mention of Milton, Mom understandably drops a tea pot, and says that she feels something burning, but she may be cured by her new, Little-Debbieless diet plan. A professor at Central Kansas A&M who is so hot that he can start a fire at 30 paces. I'm resolutely ignoring the "faster than a speeding bullet" part. "Having a delayed reaction to Milton, Martha loses all control! Her body suddenly begins to quiver, shudder and shake. Wow. Been there. Done that." Followed by: "John is apparently completely unfamiliar with this sort of vibration from Martha." ;D Huh. First we have Chloe's Spring-approved use of the fake pay phone call as part of her Fine stalking technique. And then we get: "Refusing to take no for an answer, Clark approaches his professor for the third time in one day. He tells Milton that he’ll “do anything!” I can almost hear the hourly, sonorous bells of Orton Hall, as they peal across OSU’s campus. Good work, Clark." Gosh - everyone's getting the thumbs up from Spring! But I think my favorite piece, um part ah lines were: You know, someone outta embroider that on a pillow. By the time we moved on to crystals plunging into waiting orifices, growing excitement leading to a handful of glowing green Kryptonite, premature withdrawal and exposing acorns, I was rolling on the floor with laughter! Too too funny, Spring! You've done it again. Hey. For some reason, I'm hungry now . . . #rofl1# I get more laughs out of the commentary on my reviews, than I get from writing them! You guys are too much. Thanks for the feedback, and glad you got some laughs. You're hungry, huh? Banana-blueberry muffin, perhaps?
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Post by SpringSummers on Nov 28, 2005 21:58:35 GMT -5
Also - thanks for the TWOP commentary once again, Liz. Lots of funny stuff.
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Post by Jan on Nov 29, 2005 13:11:40 GMT -5
Just caught up on the last 3 of your James' Bits and wanted to thank you for a solid however-many-minutes it was of snickers, snorts and even guffaws. I was surprized to read that you're not confident about your comic writing because you're so very, very good at it. And reliving all those Smallville JM moments was a treat, as well. Here's that we get our Spike movie. But this, with your comments added on, will do very well until then.
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Post by Squeemonster on Nov 29, 2005 20:46:00 GMT -5
#rofl1# Spring, I am speechless. From laughing. Laughing so hard I'm crying. #rofl1# You've done an absolutely superb job once again. I suppose all that stalking and slutty behavior from your past are really helpful in writing these reviews. Good idea--allowing your past failures to help you interpret and analyze the show. I am in awe of your wisdom.#clap# ;D You are very deliciously evil--almost as delicious as a banana blueberry muffin.
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Post by SpringSummers on Nov 30, 2005 8:03:57 GMT -5
Just caught up on the last 3 of your James' Bits and wanted to thank you for a solid however-many-minutes it was of snickers, snorts and even guffaws. Thanks, Jan! I am feeling a lot more at ease about it; I've done funny before, a bit in my ficlets and a line here and there in my analyses and even some stuff here at work, but never in the sustained way I've tried to do it here. It made me a little nervous because it's so hard, when you're not really experienced, to know what's going to work! Yes - I think the Smallville thing has been fun, but yeah - I wish we would see that Spike movie!
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Post by SpringSummers on Nov 30, 2005 8:08:21 GMT -5
Spring, I am speechless. From laughing. Laughing so hard I'm crying. Yay! Thank you - I think. Do you have an extra banana-blueberry muffin? I've got a craving.
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Post by leftylady on Nov 30, 2005 12:56:55 GMT -5
Spring, once again you have made me see the show in a new light:
“If you get too close, he will call the cops.”
“Locks! They’re the bane of a stalker’s existence!”
“,,, if he catches you peering at him (or his crystal) through a vent (or blinds, or curtains, or small, newly drilled holes), he will call the cops.”
Ok, just checking out the OSU catalogue for course requirements for a B.S. (Bachelor of Stalking) degree and wondering where my tax dollars have been going ...
“... I won’t get the binoculars, bolt-cutters and bail money ready to go - not just yet.”
So, the talk about the JM restraining order is all true? Until James returns to fulfill the rest of his contract, we'll be your lifeline to resist any untoward impulses, that is unless James kept JR's letter jacket and then all bets are off!
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Post by SpringSummers on Nov 30, 2005 16:06:26 GMT -5
Spring, once again you have made me see the show in a new light: “If you get too close, he will call the cops.” “Locks! They’re the bane of a stalker’s existence!” “,,, if he catches you peering at him (or his crystal) through a vent (or blinds, or curtains, or small, newly drilled holes), he will call the cops.” Ok, just checking out the OSU catalogue for course requirements for a B.S. (Bachelor of Stalking) degree and wondering where my tax dollars have been going ... Your tax dollars went to a good cause! I had loads of fun at OSU! Uh, uhm . . . well, not ALL true . . . Thanks for the feedback, lefty. Glad you enjoyed the review.
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Post by leftylady on Dec 1, 2005 17:37:31 GMT -5
Spring, once again you have made me see the show in a new light: “If you get too close, he will call the cops.” “Locks! They’re the bane of a stalker’s existence!” “,,, if he catches you peering at him (or his crystal) through a vent (or blinds, or curtains, or small, newly drilled holes), he will call the cops.” Ok, just checking out the OSU catalogue for course requirements for a B.S. (Bachelor of Stalking) degree and wondering where my tax dollars have been going ... Your tax dollars went to a good cause! I had loads of fun at OSU! Uh, uhm . . . well, not ALL true . . . Thanks for the feedback, lefty. Glad you enjoyed the review. Got to admit we're getting our money's worth in your English class training right here in your wonderful reviews. And a reviewer with field experience in stalking is a "SpringSummers bonus"!!
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Post by LadyDi on Dec 1, 2005 22:06:13 GMT -5
Gah! Head meets desk. I set up the VCR to tape this ep, but got the time wrong. Still, reading the review was a lot of fun. Man, they're really ladling on the subtext, yeah?
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