NERD ALERT! For All You Andrews #1 Dear Abby:

[S'ewing S'cubie]

Welcome Scubies all to the very first BTVS/ATS Nerd Alert at this location. Usually I post the NA the morning before the new episode airs, but since this is the first time it's been done here, I decided to post it now. Just because.

It's been several months since ScoopMe! shut down and we have quite a few new members and lurkers, so I'll give you a quick reminder how this works.

Shortly before the airing of a new episode I will pose a question or a challenge. It may be a quiz to plumb the depths (and we've got some REAL depths) of your BTVS/ATS knowledge or it may be a brain teaser to tickle your imagination about what you WANT to see.

Today we're going to help the people of the Buffyverse with their problems. Therefore, on behalf of your favorite characters, actors, writers or producers you will compose letters to Dear Abby. You may write as yourself or as the person who has the problem. You may write as a third party. You'll describe the problem in as much detail as you can.

Extra Credit: Write Abby's answer.

Remember, Children, creativity counts and spelling doesn't. As usual, to give you incentive, I'll start.

[S'ewing S'cubie]

Dear Abby:

I'm writing about my ex-boyfriend. I met him four years ago during a time when I was undergoing this big life-ending experience. I thought he was wonderful. He was my Blondie Bear and he understood how hard it was for me to adjust, like I used to love to go to the beach but now I've got this condition and I have to stay out of the sun. Or that I can't fix my makeup in the mirror like I used to.

Anyway, he treated me real bad. He made promises an then he broke them. One time he said we'd go to France, but then I wasn't allowed to leave the lair.

I mean, I knew he was using me because he broke up with this other girl, but I loved him and I thought he would love me too. But he just treated me worse. Even after I found this piece of jewelry he was looking for. He hurt me then and I moved out.

Anyway, I got in trouble with this other girl, not the one my boyfriend used to see, but this real dangerous chick and she was after me. So I went to him for protection and we got together again. Only now he wanted the dangerous chick and he was still mean to me. So we broke up again.

I didn't see him for a while but now he's at my place of work and I see him almost every day. And I think I still love him. Abby, what should I do?

Harmony


Dear Harmony:

This guy is trouble. Wake up and smell the coffin dear, the temptation to get back together will be too much for you. He sounds like a user and you sound much too vulnerable. Any guy who stays with one girlfriend while he's looking for another one is bad news.

You need to spend some YOU time and not let him get to you. Stay as far away from him as you can. Better yet, change jobs.

Abby

[SpringSummers]

Dear Abby,

I find myself in a terrible predicament. I have in my charge a young lady in her early 20’s and her teenage sister. I took them with me to Europe after a terrible tragedy befell them. You see, they lost their home during the now infamous localized earthquake which transformed Sunnydale, California, into the morbid tourist attraction it has lately become.

They were without parents, and, being a decent sort, I took them under my care. I transported them to my home in the UK, and let them move in with me in my tiny flat in London. Little did I expect that they would never find it within themselves to leave my care!

They are so very young, so very female, and worst of all – so very American. My apartment is littered with all manner of things I had best not describe. Suffice it to say the least of these is the jar of instant tea that is in my cupboard at this very moment.

The elder sister often moans over a boyfriend who met his generous end in Sunnydale, and the younger sometimes joins her in crying over the same wanker. How he would laugh if he could see the way they set my teeth on edge.

They want to stay in England, and have begun hinting at formal adoption procedures so that they might do so. I fear I won’t be able to resist them should they turn the pressure up slowly and truly. I am wrapped quite tightly around their little colonial fingers.

God save the Queen – and me.

Sincerely,
Tried and Tired

---

Dear Tried and Tired,

Stop being a such a wimp! Throw the Sunnydale Sisters out by giving them a reasonable deadline and sticking to it. Be prepared to pay for their flight home to The United States - it won't be cheap, but it sounds as if it will be worth it.

Sincerely,
Abby

PS>What's a wanker?

[Vlad]

Dear Abby,


I am writing because none of my girlfriend's friends(who she's pal-ed around with forever!) seem to like me. In fact no one seems to like me. I really don't know what the problem is becuase I try really hard to be supportive and there for my lover. You see she lost her old girlfriend tragically a while back and is still getting over it. I try to be there for her anyway possible. She is also a little shy and I have tried time and again to help her get over that. I even went out and got a tongue stud in the hopes that it would...anyway.

All of her friends think I am too bossy. Now, let me say that her friends all worship this other friend of hers that can be a real uber-bitca at times... but htey think that's jsut fine. Me, they snub. They think I am all wrong for the girl I love. They also say I am too young, but I am 19 and my girlfriend is only 21.

So, Abby, what should I do? Should I just accept the way everyone feels about me or should I stand up and tell them where to get off? It's really hurting me and I can't see how it won't affect our relationship badly in the long run. (I think my girlfriend is a little TOO close to these friends of hers anyway and it isn't healthy.)

Should I take the misery or should I do something about it?

A Depressed Dead President


Dear Depressed,

You sound like a totally hot chic! Dump this wallflower depressed GF of yours. You are wasting your time! Her friends are comlete idiots. The age difference isn't a problem...in fact, what you need is an even older, more mature woman in your life. Someone steady and stable, with a career. Perhaps a newspaper columnist. I know this particular columnist has been feeling mighty spry night these last few months ever since that California earthquake. What do you think? Wanna date a REAL woman? I've mailed my number to you in case you are interested.

Tongue stud you say.....hmmmm. I must consult my old friend Miss Manners on a few ...errr..things.

Your gal pal,
"Adventuress" Abby

[Patti - S'cubie Cutie]

Dear Abby,

I hope you can help me - I have kind of an unusual problem. I 'm the head of the Entertainment Division of W&H out of LA, and my boss has asked me to bring in some special talent for the firm's annual meeting with the senior partners.

Now, normally that wouldn't be a problem AT all. I have Vegas connections who owe me big time! But Angel - that's my boss- has peculiar tastes. No, not that kind - that wouldn't be a problem either - did I mention LA?

The problem is that my man Angel is mad for Manilow! Bonkers for Barry! And he wants Mr. Manilow to come entertain and he plans to sing along! And I KNOW the senior partners are evil, but no one is evil enough to deserve an evening of 'Mandy' and 'I Write the Songs' sung by Manilow and Angel!

How do I handle this situation Abbey? Waitin' to hear from ya chickapoo!

Love...
Lorne


Dear Mr. Love Lorne,

As it happens, my sister and I dropped into your old club one night and sang for you - perhaps you remember- we sang 'Sisters'?
Anyway, I heard Mr. Angel sing at that time, and I agree, you have a problem...
I believe what you need is to find another outlet for Mr. Angel's mmm.....lyrical tastes? Perhaps poetry...? Why don't you try to persuade him that a poetry reading might be a better idea. He could choose a favorite poem - something meaningful to his own history perhaps.

Just a suggestion!

Abigail Van Buren

[John G]

Dear Abby,
I'm having all sorts of self esteem issues. First, my girlfriend, who hadn't seen a human man in five years, ignores me for a vampire with a big forehead, whom she watched changed into a green demon and try to kill his friends. Then, she begins an overly flirtatious relationship with some punk ass British dude, simply because he has some smarts. So, what do I do? To prove I'm the man of her dreams, I kill someone for her. How's that for love? And how does she repay me? She stops talking to me!

Seems like I'm not smart enough for her. Now we're working at a law firm together (which, oddly enough, has a lab and a science department). Now she's all googly-eyed about some lab nerd. I don't feel like I'm smart enough. Then, on top of that, I have a dead white guy making fun of the size of my penis! Can you believe it? I'm a brother, and a white guy is telling me I'm small. What should I do?

Outkast among Outcasts
___________________________________________

Dear Outkast,
You should be ashamed! That's the one sterotype you should be fulfilling! Oh, and please don't let a bunch of evil demons fill your head with knowledge. It'll only turn you into the most evil of all creatures: A lawyer!

[Rachael]

Dear Abby:

I’m writing because I have a serious problem with women, and I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. I just can’t seem to meet the right one.

Every woman I’ve fallen for, since high school has turned out to be some kind of demon. Seriously. I’ve dated a resurrected Incan mummy and fooled around with my high school science teacher, who just happened to be a human-sized praying mantis. My ex- (and late) fiancée was a supposedly reformed vengeance demon, but she went right back to her demony ways after I left her at the altar. And the last woman I dated tried to sacrifice me to open the Sunnydale Hellmouth.

I should mention that I have been with one “normal” woman, but I cheated on her; at any rate, I recently learned that she’s become something, well, additional to human. Finally, I did love one human woman very much, but she didn’t even know I existed, preferring to spend her time sleeping with vampires.

Abby, what am I doing wrong? I’m an ordinary, non-demony, nice guy. Why can’t I find a nice, normal girl to love?

- Demon Magnet in Sunnydale

Dear Magnet:

Has it occurred to you that perhaps you feel like you don’t really deserve a “nice, normal girl”, and so choose women with whom there’s no future? And perhaps sabotage those relationships that might have a real future?

You mention cheating on the one “normal” girl who ever cared for you, as well as leaving your ex-vengeance-demon fiancée at the altar. Both are examples of you perhaps destroying a perfectly viable relationship – it may be time that you considered why you do these things.

I think you should seek counseling immediately to work on what I think sound like serious self-esteem issues. Once you like who you are, that “nice, normal” girl will just show up on your doorstep one day.

P.S. There’s also the issue of looking for love on the Hellmouth. Just saying.

[LadyDi]

Dear Abby,

Gotta li'l problem 'm hopin' you can help me with. 'Snot as bad as it was, at least I don't have to dictate this, but I been tryin' to do the right thing, fightin' the good fight and all....Now I got this wanker bloke (we'll just call him Peaches) tellin' me it's all for nuthin'. I don't believe it, an' Big Broody's always been a right buzzkill, but he's been at this hero thing a bit longer'n me. How do I handle this?
Soulful Spike

Dear Soulful,

This "Peaches" sounds like a real downer. Trying to maintain a good attitude aound Mr. Negative must be a real challenge, but something tells me you're up to it. Don't lose hope.
A steel-toed boot in the behind might not be amiss, either.
Abby

[raenstorm]

Dear Abs,

Screw the rest of these people. I've got real problems. Things were great just a year ago. I took this great vacation with a great hunk of a warrior from Pylea, Groo. We had sex and lots of it!! Then I came back to LA and things started to fall apart. Oh, sure I've had my share of bad times.

High school sucked. Somehow I ended up hanging out with the geeks, even dated one (I fear I ruined him for normal girls, he's been into demons ever since I kicked him to the curb). All of my popular, cheerleading friends stopped talking to me and it just got worse when the IRS tracked down my deadbeat Dad. So, I moved to LA. I could have been a big star. Then, my luck, the guy who was going to get me my big break turned out to be a vampire. ALL the hot guys turn out to be vampires. It's so not fair. 'Course Angel is a vampire and he helped a girl out by giving me a job. Oh the times he, Doyle, and I had. You should see the cute little logo I came up with for Angel Investigations! Turns out Doyle had a drug problem and TBTB decided to axe him or burn him up, whatever! (Ok, I don't know if the drug thing is true but, given the hallucinations, err, VISIONS he passed on to me... the demon had to be on somethin'.)

But, that's the past. Let's move on to my recent problems. So, about a year ago I made plans to meet Angel out at the bluff so I could declare my love for him (hey, a lot has happened in a few years). Unfortunately, I got called to be a Higher Being and, like the idiot that I am, I took Skip up on it. Instead of finding me at the bluff, Angel found Connor (his son -- again, A LOT has happened) who locked him up in a big box and dumped him in the ocean where he spent the summer until one of our friends found him. (At my subtle Higher Being urging, mind you.) Everyone was looking for me too but they were convinced I was dead. I was ready to kill them. I don't remember much about being a Higher Being but I know it was boring. Oh, plus I got to experience everything Angel/Angelus had ever done. When I got back, that was the reason I decided I couldn't be with him. What a lame reason, right? Right. I thought so too but I'm not writing this story.

Well, ever since I came back things have felt weird. First the memory loss. Not fun. Then, the getting it on with Connor. Let's just say, the less said about that, the better. It was almost as if I had someone or something inside of me (no, not like being pregnant but now that you mention it...), controlling me. It is the only way I can explain the Connor sex. Plus, turns out I was the Beast's master and evil. That was scary 'cuz I apparently traded in my fashion sense to get the evilness. Oh, the outfits. I really WAS evil! Angel went all Angelus, the OTHER vampire slayer dropped by to capture him and an old friend from Sunnydale showed up and screwed up my evil plans. Oh, and I forgot! I got pregnant with Connor's kid. 'Cuz, you know, sex is bad and Connor sex is REALLY bad.

Angel caught me trying to kill Lorne and the gig was up, until Connor busted me out. I gave birth to... Jasmine, The Power That Was. Unfortunately, while giving birth got rid of my evilness, Jasmine thought she'd bring peace to the world by taking away all of our free will. Who does she think she is anyway?! Angel stopped her, of course. Then he and the others took over W&H. What the f***?! Have they forgotten everything that has happened over the past 4 years? Well, this leads me to now and my problem. It seems I'm in a coma. I feel like everyone has forgotten about me. I get no screen time while my old bud, Harm, gets to snark with Spike. Spike may be popping in and out but I'm the real ghost here. Abby, why aren't my friends trying to get me out of my coma? I mean, it is a demon coma, right? There must be a solution somewhere. Screw Spike and his hellbound issues. Fix me.

Thanks Abby,
Stuck in a Coma in LA

PS - Sorry for the blabbing. I haven't spoken to anyone for at least 9 episodes.

---

Dear Stuck,

Get over yourself! You've gotten yourself pregnant with demon spawn TWICE. Have you thought about how your pregnancy affected work at Angel Investigations? Maybe that is why they aren't rushing to get you out of the coma. They don't want to worry about another one of your pregnancies. Plus, all this coma time should give you time to grow out that horrendous short, blonde 'thing' you had going on with your hair. So, stop complaining about your timely infinite coma and soak in the beauty sleep it is giving you.

Alive and Kickin',
Abby

[RAKSHA]

Dear Abby:

I have recently gone through some changes in my life; and am worried about my new significant other.

I have had a life that could, to put it mildly, be called 'eventful'. I was born in New York City, the only child of a magnificent african-american woman with ahem-a vocation-for slaying demons and vampires. When I was four years old, my mother was murdered by an evil bleached-blond vampire dressed in hideous imitation of Billy Idol.

I was raised by my mother's boss, and learned to fight in her memory. As an adult, I became an educator, while continuing my crusade to kill all vampires I could find and hopefully avenge my mother's death.

Last year, I joined my mother's successor, a gutsy young white woman, in her battle against the forces of supernatural evil in California. I was attracted to her romantically, and I believe she felt some attraction to me as well. In a ghastly twist of fate, her closest ally and, unbelievably, her lover, turned out to be the bane of my existence, the preening, wiseass bloodsucker who had killed my mother!

I tried to kill the monster, but he defeated me. The girl I cared for would not allow me to try avenging my mother while I fought beside her and my mother's killer against an increasingly powerful and dangerous foe.

Shortly before our final battle, I met another of my mother's successes, a beautiful and fiery young white woman, who fought at our side. We became strongly attracted to each other emotionally and physically. After we won the battle and saved the world, we moved to Cleveland.

We live together. By day, I work as an assistant principal at a high school; by night I support my girlfriend in her mission. She is as strong and lovely as my mother was.

But I am worried about our relationship. She is uneducated and defensive about her lack of academic knowledge, despite her considerable intelligence. She hates the faculty gatherings that I must attend, and refuses to wear appropriate clothing to these events. I am proud of her and want to show her off, but wearing tight leather pants to the elderly principal's anniversary party was a diseaster!

And lately, she has shown a very unhealthy interest in a certain vampire who we have fought, but not managed to kill. He's european, and I worry that she is intrigued by his sleazy (and cheesy! I might add - who ever heard of telling one's would-be killer 'Let me unleash the darkness in you, let me show you who you are'?) veneer. I'll give him darkness! Eternal darkness! I can't tell whether she is becoming genuinely attracted to this creature of the night, or just in his thrall.

I don't want history to repeat itself! Any suggestions as to how I might resolve these issues?

Sincerely,

Perturbed Principal

Dear Perturbed,

Sounds like you need some serious psychotherapy. Pursuing relationships with not one, but two women who share your late mother's vocation? And this vengeance obsession seems to be dictating your life, when it should be the other way around.

Your mother was a flesh-and-blood woman whose memory should be celebrated. Instead, you seem fixated on falling for her younger counterparts and avenging her death. Don't you think she would have wanted you to lead a life independant of her? Time to grow up, stop being a mama's boy, and leave the past in the past. Maybe date a woman who doesn't fight evil - check out the local chess clubs or garden societies if you want to avoid school faculty entanglements. And tell Miss Leather Pants to join a biker gang.

Abby

[DaveCrenshaw]

Dear Abby --

I've had the worst luck in relationships. I mean, from my earliest memories until high school, I had this crush on the same guy, but because I was so painfully shy, I could never voice my attraction. Even after I started dating the lead guitarist in a rock band, I still liked this boy, but for whatever reason, he seemed prefer women who were monsters -- especially Cordelia, but we won't go there. He almost married this one who could be real demon-y at times, but that's a whole other story.

Anyway, I finally found true love with the lead guitarist, who most thought was a nice, quiet boy, but I knew about his animal-y side. Sure, his primal instincts intrigued me for a while, but that was before I found out he was also sleeping with the lead singer of another band. Then he had to go. It broke my heart.

But then in college I met a girl, yes, a girl. I never thought of being with another woman -- especially since my parents are very, very strict Jews and my dad would have had a heart attack -- but I guess we all explore our sexuality more in college. We met at a Wicca meeting -- another thing my dad would have had a heart attack over if he ever found out -- and the relationship that developed between us was, well, magical. But you know the risks of living in southern California -- she was fatally shot in a drive-by.

I was so hurt, I wanted my world to end. The boy I had a crush on as a child pulled me back in, and while I was grateful, at this point I was starting to convince myself following Tara that I really was gay. I tried going out with this one girl -- a bit younger than me with a tongue stud -- but the passion wasn't there that I had shared with Tara. There was also this cute little science nerd I met while on a business trip to Los Angeles who we hit it off, but it just wasn't right then either. Frankly, I'm starting to think that as wonderful as it was with Tara, I might be pulling an Anne Heche and going back to guys.

Anyhow, Abby, with my checkered past, do you think there are any guys out there who would be willing to take on a former-lesbian Wicca who still likes to celebrate Hannakah and listen to garage bands while remembering how it once was?

Sincerely,
Woeful Witch-y

*****

Dear Woeful:

I have good news for you, and it doesn't involve changing your car insurance (unless you want to). There are guys out there, but what you need is to get out of Southern California. Many of those small towns can feel like a big canyon of despair with their shallow ways and startling violence rates (even if you can still afford to buy a house). A thriving area is Maryland; the guys there are surprisingly open-minded in regards to someone with a history like your own, willing to see past your lesbian flirtations and shacking up with the rock band. I highly recommend the stability of a government employee, someone who's been in relationships and been burned, maybe even has a child looking for the kind of guidance someone with your experience can offer.

You need a new beginning. In Maryland.

Abby

[Rob]

Dear Abby:

Ok, here's the deal. I've always seemed to be more comfortable with women. My best friends on this earth are women. The bravest, strongest human beings I've ever met are all women.

Yet I can't seem to hold on to one in a relationship sense. Now, before you start jumping conclusions about...um...what makes my antenna rise from the hood of the car, I'm into girls. Love 'em, in fact. Just because I have no male friends, it doesn't mean I have girlish tendencies or anything.

Be right back. Lifetime is advertising a Danielle Steel movie marathon. Need to jot down the showtimes.

Now, where was I? Right, my success with women in general (ok, maybe that wasn't where I was...but I wanna go there now). It's fair to say that I've had my share of romance. But there's one girl that I've been in love with since the first moment I laid eyes on her...

She doesn't love me, Abby. Well, actually she does...very much, I think. Just not in the way I'd like her to. I can honestly say that neither one of us could have survived the last several years without each other. There's a lot to be said for that.

Still...

As I said before, I've been in several relationships. I tried to move on. I really did. Thing is, the girl I truly love spends a lot of time with me because of our jobs. I tell myself to move on, but she's always around, you know? Always...being beautiful and amazing, even when she pisses me off. She's my hero.

I don't understand how she couldn't possibly consider pursuing something beyond brother-sister feelings. Especially after all we've been through together. No matter how bad things got, I was there for her, sometimes when no one else was.

I know what you might be thinking, but I honestly don't think I look like a troll or anything. Truth is, I've done pretty well overall. A lot of the ladies dig me. I had a first relationship in my Junior-Senior years of High School, an affair with my best friend that broke that up, an amazing one-timer with another friend (though she was a little scary), then I started dating the girl who would become my fiancee.

Jesus, senior year was a Hell of a good time now that I look back on it...

Sorry. Got distracted. Anyway, I have good relationships with all my exes.

The ones that are alive, at least. One is a reformed murderer who was in a coma, one still IS in a coma, one became a lesbian (she's also a reformed murderer) and my former fiancee (you guessed it...reformed murderer) is dead.

Outside of those minor details, my track record is pretty damned good, if I do say so myself. Point is, Abby, my true love has never changed. Ever since I ran my skateboard into that railing in '97...it's been all over but the shouting for me.

So...how do I get this girl to realize I'm the guy for her?

Signed,

Half-Blind In Bath

****************

Dear Half-Blind,

Based on your accounts, you are relationship poison. Everyone you've been with is either gets hurt, dead or gay...and most are felons. What does that say about you? Maybe you should consider yourself lucky that your one true love doesn't return your feelings. She'll live longer and stay out of jail.

[RAKSHA]

Dear Abby,

Um, this is kinda embarrassing. I've never had trouble finding guys. They usually find me. But then they leave me, just like my father did. I'm a college dropout currently caring for my teenaged sister; since our mother died a few years ago.

For the past seven years, I've worked as a sort of unofficial peacekeeper in my hometown, which had an abundance of-um-gangs on PCP. My first love, who was a reformed bad guy much older than me, helped me. Then, after I made love for the first time, to him, he changed horribly and tried to kill me, and killed one of my teachers. He came to his senses a few months later, but it was too late; and I had to send him...away, to-um-prison. Later, he came back to me; but we couldn't get that feeling back, it was too hard. He left me, told me he was doing it for my own good.

My next boyfriend was, I thought, a wholesome, normal, all-American boy. Turned out that he was, uh, taking heavy-duty steroids so he could fight the bad guys with me, and he started cheating on my with some girl members of the gangs on PCP. We fought and he left.

A really bad boy, a friend of my first love, became obsessed with me. Though he kidnapped and hurt two of my friends once, he later became our ally, an informer against the gangs and also a fighter at our side. He was hurt trying to save my little sister, more than once. I went through some really bad stuff for several months two years ago; and he was the only one who understood how I felt. He was always there for me. We fought, we beat each other up; well, mostly I beat him up, and then had some rather rough sex. I ended our relationship; or so I'd hoped. He came and, while trying to talk to me, went crazy and tried to rape me, though he stopped when I pushed him away. He was upset at what he'd done, and left town. Later, he had a sort of breakdown, and then came back to me, determined to make up for what he'd done. Though we didn't have sex again, we became really close, and then he...went away after a reallly big fight with a gang of 100's of dangerous bad guys on PCP.

Now I'm very lonely. I've recently heard rumors that my last boyfriend, my bad boy who became good, has returned and is hanging out with my first ex, the much older guy who I loved in high school. I don't know what to do? I told my ex, the last time I saw him, that I wasn't ready to make a decision between him and his bad-boy friend. I've loved them both. Should I go and confront them and make a choice, or wait for them to come to me?

Unbaked Cookie


Dear Cookie,

My dear girl, your past choices in boyfriends were foolish, too say the least! Two former gang members, one a murderer, the other a would-be rapist? Not to mention the steroid addict.

Since you are responsible for the raising of an impressionable young girl, you've got to clean up your act. Don't become a nun, but take a break from romance for a bit. Go back to school if you can and finish your college education. Either that or go to Hollywood and become a stuntwoman...

Abby

[DaveCrenshaw]

Dear Abby --

For years, I was happy being the single white female. I lived the life -- up all night, sleep all day. Traveling the world with my lover, doing whatever we wanted and never worrying about the consequences. The world was our oyster.

But then things changed; Angel changed. He found his soul, and the party was over for us. I tried going it on my own -- I mean, I do look damn good for a woman of my age, if I do say so myself -- but in the end I still wanted what I had before. I tried everything to get him back, even seducing him. It only got me pregneant, something all the experts had told me I wasn't even capable of, certainly not at my age.

Now I'm a mother. I used to hate that word, and now it describes me. But I have no son. He grew up so fast I barely recognize him, and now it's as if he hates me and his father, and all that either of us have ever stood for. As far as Connor's concerned, his father's a demon and I might as well be a ghost. He doesn't listen to me, runs around with evil women, and has the worst fights with his father (they get very violent). Angel has forsaken his son, and I'm stuck in the middle. As much as I wanted Angel, I've found love for the first time with Connor. But he doesn't love me anymore than he does his father, and he hates his father.

I've never been perfect. I was a prostitute for a long while, and nearly died of syphilis. Twice. When Angel left his family to be with me, it killed them, because they knew the kind of woman I was.

But now, I want to change, so that my son won't have to make the same mistakes in life I made. But I can't get him to hear me. What should I do?

Maternal Mayhem

Dear Maternal --

Regardless of the mistakes you've made in your life, you sound like you want the best for your son. Teenagers can be that way. But if he causes you too much grief, it's never too late to put him up for adoption and start over.

Abbey

[betsyAB]

Dear Abby

I am a 16 year old teenage girl whose existence has been implanted in my family and friends. You see, I'm not real. I was originally a key made of green, mystic energy that's older than time itself. My essence was stolen by monks who were trying to hide me from a god
called Glorificus, a skanky blond bitch with questionable mental faculties, who wanted to put my keyness into an inter-dimensional lock and return to her demon dimension. Luckily, she didn't succeed, but my sister died defeating her. When my sister returned from the
dead, she didn't even want to be in the same room with me. Then her best friend, a lesbian witch with an addictive personality, threatened to return me to my original keyness. And to top it all off, the ex-vengeance demon who runs the local magic shop made me work in her store to pay back all the stuff I shoplifted from her.
So, my question is why doesn't anyone like me?

Dawn in the Dumps

Dear Dumps,
Stop whining and get a life! Sheesh! If you complain like this all the time, it's no wonder everyone hates you.
It sounds llike you need to make some friends your own age and stop hanging onto your sisters'. Meet some boys, preferably a cute one with a letter jacket with whom you can suck face in a car. Maybe you'll get lucky and he'll be yours for eternity. If not, there's always the school quarterback with the enchanting jacket, I mean smile. Just don't throw yourself in front of a train for him. No man is worth that!