|
Post by SpringSummers on Nov 19, 2011 22:31:00 GMT -5
All this talk about gaslighting has made me wonder about a habit I have now and if it was caused by the amount of gaslighting, teasing and just plain negativeness I was raised with. I have the complete inability to accept honest praise of my talents. I seem to want people to pick apart what I do because I really don't believe that I'm receiving an honest opinion unless it's a negative one. It seems to me that this might be a side effect of being raised in an environment where the only opinions that were ever expressed were negative ones and if I got upset about it I was told I need to calm down, toughen up or take a joke, but there was never a positive opinion offered after that either. Just makes me think. P.S. Congrats Dr. Queen Erin! I think it is so cool that you got your doctorate in something your passionate about! And as for accepting or denying friend requests, I never feel I have to justify my choices. If it is someone I don't want privy to information about my life I just deny it and move on. My two cents on the gaslighting discussion: - I think anyone who is trying to tell you what you are (or should be) thinking or feeling, is "gaslighting."
- I think the perps are just as likely female as male. But I think the intended victims are almost always female.
- When people are trying to get you to doubt the accuracy of your own perceptions, it's because they are afraid of being accurately perceived.
|
|
|
Post by Queen E on Nov 19, 2011 23:19:39 GMT -5
All this talk about gaslighting has made me wonder about a habit I have now and if it was caused by the amount of gaslighting, teasing and just plain negativeness I was raised with. I have the complete inability to accept honest praise of my talents. I seem to want people to pick apart what I do because I really don't believe that I'm receiving an honest opinion unless it's a negative one. It seems to me that this might be a side effect of being raised in an environment where the only opinions that were ever expressed were negative ones and if I got upset about it I was told I need to calm down, toughen up or take a joke, but there was never a positive opinion offered after that either. Just makes me think. P.S. Congrats Dr. Queen Erin! I think it is so cool that you got your doctorate in something your passionate about! And as for accepting or denying friend requests, I never feel I have to justify my choices. If it is someone I don't want privy to information about my life I just deny it and move on. I think it's obvious, from our discussion of this phenomenon, that this isn't just in our interpersonal relationship, but extends outward into the social roles of women and men in general. Families and other relationship can absolutely reinforce it, but I feel the same way you do and my mom (at least) was always super supportive and positive and upbeat about what I did... Also: and thank you for the congrats.
|
|
|
Post by Queen E on Nov 19, 2011 23:21:01 GMT -5
All this talk about gaslighting has made me wonder about a habit I have now and if it was caused by the amount of gaslighting, teasing and just plain negativeness I was raised with. I have the complete inability to accept honest praise of my talents. I seem to want people to pick apart what I do because I really don't believe that I'm receiving an honest opinion unless it's a negative one. It seems to me that this might be a side effect of being raised in an environment where the only opinions that were ever expressed were negative ones and if I got upset about it I was told I need to calm down, toughen up or take a joke, but there was never a positive opinion offered after that either. Just makes me think. P.S. Congrats Dr. Queen Erin! I think it is so cool that you got your doctorate in something your passionate about! And as for accepting or denying friend requests, I never feel I have to justify my choices. If it is someone I don't want privy to information about my life I just deny it and move on. My two cents on the gaslighting discussion: - I think anyone who is trying to tell you what you are (or should be) thinking or feeling, is "gaslighting."
- I think the perps are just as likely female as male. But I think the intended victims are almost always female.
- When people are trying to get you to doubt the accuracy of your own perceptions, it's because they are afraid of being accurately perceived.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
|
|
|
Post by SpringSummers on Nov 20, 2011 0:04:37 GMT -5
My two cents on the gaslighting discussion: - I think anyone who is trying to tell you what you are (or should be) thinking or feeling, is "gaslighting."
- I think the perps are just as likely female as male. But I think the intended victims are almost always female.
- When people are trying to get you to doubt the accuracy of your own perceptions, it's because they are afraid of being accurately perceived.
Did you ever know that you're my hero? YAY! May we have "Wind Beneath My Wings" for our first dance?
|
|
|
Post by Queen E on Nov 20, 2011 2:20:05 GMT -5
Did you ever know that you're my hero? YAY! May we have "Wind Beneath My Wings" for our first dance? I wouldn't have it any other way...
|
|
|
Post by Julia, wrought iron-y on Nov 20, 2011 13:11:25 GMT -5
Speaking of which, a friend (well, we've not spoken for a long time, but he found me on facebook and I couldn't think of a compelling reason not to accept the request), did something very similar to me the other day. I put the whole "got my PhD" announcement there, since it would have been too hard to e-mail everybody, and after this person congratulated me, he pinged me for a chat and wrote "what? you couldn't find something more fuzzy-headed to get your degree in?" I ended the chat right there, rightly pissed off. Of course, part of the reason why I hadn't talked to him in years was the way he would drop his IQ into so many conversations, trying to figure out what mine was so he could satisfy himself his was higher. Now that I think about it, he probably felt threatened, both than and now, by an intelligent woman. But what an asshole thing to do in response to something I worked so hard for and sacrificed so much to accomplish. Jerk. Complete, incurable, utter jerk. Julia, according to me, at least.
|
|
|
Post by Julia, wrought iron-y on Nov 20, 2011 13:14:50 GMT -5
There's two problems with that: one of them is that no matter what the proportion of "people who are intending to hurt" and "people who are just playing a little rough" so to speak, accepting all gaslighting-type behaviors as examples of the former gives cover to behaviors of the latter type. The other one is that some people can't handle any rough play, and they don't wear stop signs. As I tried, once, to explain to my mom's next younger brother, even if 80% of children he was in contact with as a Boy Scout leader and school volunteer thought his teasing and practical jokes were hilarious, the 20% who didn't were being hurt by him. And no, they didn't need to "toughen up:" steel gets tough when it's hammered but glass just gets more and more broken. He was the adult, and it was his responsibility to identify kids he was hurting and change his damned behavior. I'd heard a conversation between three college students, in the back of a bus on my way to work, talking about just how much they'd hated him as kids, how they all skipped school on the days the programs he volunteered for were scheduled. He did not abuse, not touch, nor have any private contact with the kids, it was all verbal teasing, and they hated him for it. Julia, meeting people on their own ground and being kind to them goes a long way toward sainthood, I think Did he ever get the hint? My ex FIL was a bully teacher. The kids both feard and hated him, too. He didn't like kids, but was an excellent musician who hated being a teacher, i think. This kind of fits in with the whole push to ban dodge ball. I hated that game as a kid. Couldn't see the purpose of it. Thankfully, most of my gym classes didn't partake. Nope, although his kids, a couple of them at least, seemed to pick up the lesson. Julia, in the midst of bandaiding my knuckles and fingertips in preparation for going out and wrestling with the chicken-wire again.
|
|
|
Post by Queen E on Nov 20, 2011 13:36:22 GMT -5
Speaking of which, a friend (well, we've not spoken for a long time, but he found me on facebook and I couldn't think of a compelling reason not to accept the request), did something very similar to me the other day. I put the whole "got my PhD" announcement there, since it would have been too hard to e-mail everybody, and after this person congratulated me, he pinged me for a chat and wrote "what? you couldn't find something more fuzzy-headed to get your degree in?" I ended the chat right there, rightly pissed off. Of course, part of the reason why I hadn't talked to him in years was the way he would drop his IQ into so many conversations, trying to figure out what mine was so he could satisfy himself his was higher. Now that I think about it, he probably felt threatened, both than and now, by an intelligent woman. But what an asshole thing to do in response to something I worked so hard for and sacrificed so much to accomplish. Jerk. Complete, incurable, utter jerk. Julia, according to me, at least. I second that emotion. And that's not even going into the whole "I'm of the Merovingian line" craziness he'd often claim...
|
|
|
Post by Onjel on Nov 20, 2011 13:54:25 GMT -5
Speaking of which, a friend (well, we've not spoken for a long time, but he found me on facebook and I couldn't think of a compelling reason not to accept the request), did something very similar to me the other day. I put the whole "got my PhD" announcement there, since it would have been too hard to e-mail everybody, and after this person congratulated me, he pinged me for a chat and wrote "what? you couldn't find something more fuzzy-headed to get your degree in?" I ended the chat right there, rightly pissed off. Of course, part of the reason why I hadn't talked to him in years was the way he would drop his IQ into so many conversations, trying to figure out what mine was so he could satisfy himself his was higher. Now that I think about it, he probably felt threatened, both than and now, by an intelligent woman. But what an asshole thing to do in response to something I worked so hard for and sacrificed so much to accomplish. Jerk. Complete, incurable, utter jerk. Julia, according to me, at least. And me. Brings to fore my angry eyebrows.
|
|
|
Post by Onjel on Nov 20, 2011 13:54:56 GMT -5
Want me to start a new part? I've been lax lately, so. . ..
|
|
|
Post by Onjel on Nov 20, 2011 14:29:59 GMT -5
I'll be starting a new part, anon. A re-tread, but hey, it's been a while so you have probably forgotten my starters.
|
|
|
Post by Onjel on Nov 20, 2011 14:39:06 GMT -5
|
|