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Post by Spaced Out Looney on Apr 5, 2013 17:29:03 GMT -5
Finished with dermatology rotation. Finished with med school rotations. I feel like I could sleep for a month.
Not moving into apartment til tomorrow. When I went over today, they told me they decided to replace the flooring so it wouldn't be ready til tomorrow. On the plus side, the therapists I've been working with generously offered to help me move my stuff.
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Post by Queen E on Apr 6, 2013 1:17:09 GMT -5
Liz: Congrats on finishing med school!
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Post by Queen E on Apr 6, 2013 1:17:44 GMT -5
Also, I created the thread for tomorrow's Doctor Who episode...
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Post by SpringSummers on Apr 6, 2013 10:13:27 GMT -5
Finished with dermatology rotation. Finished with med school rotations. I feel like I could sleep for a month. Not moving into apartment til tomorrow. When I went over today, they told me they decided to replace the flooring so it wouldn't be ready til tomorrow. On the plus side, the therapists I've been working with generously offered to help me move my stuff. Many congrats, Liz.
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Post by Julia, wrought iron-y on Apr 6, 2013 22:06:49 GMT -5
Finished with dermatology rotation. Finished with med school rotations. I feel like I could sleep for a month. Not moving into apartment til tomorrow. When I went over today, they told me they decided to replace the flooring so it wouldn't be ready til tomorrow. On the plus side, the therapists I've been working with generously offered to help me move my stuff. Good for the help; moving when less than, oh, say, 90% of maximum bodily health is not any fun at all. JUlia, sitting here trying to make food appear by the sheer power of my mighty brain. Ain't workin'
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Post by S'ewing S'cubie on Apr 7, 2013 1:07:31 GMT -5
There are times when insight is an especially painful process. Tonight I realized I have lost my son permanently. He will never come back to me.
He unfriended me on Facebook almost two years ago when I took a humorous poke at him almost exactly like one he had frequently aimed at me. He hates Bob because Bob disagrees with him and isn't afraid to say so, because Bob refuses to be bullied by his temper, because I warned Bob what my son would do and Bob chose to challenge it. Even if by some impossible quirk of fate my son came back into my life, it would be short-lived. My son's FB page reflects a Conservative POV that would spark an arguement if we did someohow reconcile.
I never claimed to be a perfect parent. As a matter of fact I sucked at it. Worse, when I look back I know for certain that if I were given a second chance I'd do all those mistakes all over again because that's how my personality is structured. How do I apologize for being who I am? I loved my children but I didn't like them. I didn't know how. Fact is I don't like children in general and I'm cursed with very little patience. Unmixy for parenthood. I don't think I did as well as I could have but I did better than a lot of others have done. I worked hard at controlling a horrific temper with no help or therapy available. Somehow, both kids are independent, productive, successful people.
Saying that I didn't have any resources, is the absolute truth, but doesn't excuse the things I did wrong. I am sorry for them, I have tried to improve, but those reactions are still there. The response is gentler only because I am so much older, but it's the same response. This is who I am.
My daughter understood--or came to terms with--many years ago and I have worked to make it up with her. Our relationship is really good. My son has never trlied or maybe is unable to respond to all the invitations I've extended. Is it because he's never had children of his own to learn what it entails? Maybe, but his lack of compassion toward others is the opposite of how he was as a child.
He came to Ian's funeral. I saw him briefly a time or two in the following months because his dog-murdering then-girlfriend (a totally different story involving obsession and very irrelevant to this reflection) pushed him to it.
Since then I have had bronchitis five times, pneumonia twice, broken bones once and two surgeries. There have been four Christmases, four Thanksgivings and four birthdays. I think he called or texted twice for the birthdays. The only times I have learned about his troubles have been when his sister has told me--usually six months to two years after the fact.
In spite of all, I have waited and I have hoped. A few days ago my daughter told me that one of his closest friends had passed. I visited his FB page to message my condolences. He has not responded.
I now realize he will never respond. The realization has plunged me beyond depression.
I am grieving.
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Post by Anne, Old S'cubie Cat on Apr 7, 2013 9:10:05 GMT -5
There are times when insight is an especially painful process. Tonight I realized I have lost my son permanently. He will never come back to me. He unfriended me on Facebook almost two years ago when I took a humorous poke at him almost exactly like one he had frequently aimed at me. He hates Bob because Bob disagrees with him and isn't afraid to say so, because Bob refuses to be bullied by his temper, because I warned Bob what my son would do and Bob chose to challenge it. Even if by some impossible quirk of fate my son came back into my life, it would be short-lived. My son's FB page reflects a Conservative POV that would spark an arguement if we did someohow reconcile. I never claimed to be a perfect parent. As a matter of fact I sucked at it. Worse, when I look back I know for certain that if I were given a second chance I'd do all those mistakes all over again because that's how my personality is structured. How do I apologize for being who I am? I loved my children but I didn't like them. I didn't know how. Fact is I don't like children in general and I'm cursed with very little patience. Unmixy for parenthood. I don't think I did as well as I could have but I did better than a lot of others have done. I worked hard at controlling a horrific temper with no help or therapy available. Somehow, both kids are independent, productive, successful people. Saying that I didn't have any resources, is the absolute truth, but doesn't excuse the things I did wrong. I am sorry for them, I have tried to improve, but those reactions are still there. The response is gentler only because I am so much older, but it's the same response. This is who I am. My daughter understood--or came to terms with--many years ago and I have worked to make it up with her. Our relationship is really good. My son has never trlied or maybe is unable to respond to all the invitations I've extended. Is it because he's never had children of his own to learn what it entails? Maybe, but his lack of compassion toward others is the opposite of how he was as a child. He came to Ian's funeral. I saw him briefly a time or two in the following months because his dog-murdering then-girlfriend (a totally different story involving obsession and very irrelevant to this reflection) pushed him to it. Since then I have had bronchitis five times, pneumonia twice, broken bones once and two surgeries. There have been four Christmases, four Thanksgivings and four birthdays. I think he called or texted twice for the birthdays. The only times I have learned about his troubles have been when his sister has told me--usually six months to two years after the fact. In spite of all, I have waited and I have hoped. A few days ago my daughter told me that one of his closest friends had passed. I visited his FB page to message my condolences. He has not responded. I now realize he will never respond. The realization has plunged me beyond depression. I am grieving. {{{{{Diane}}}}} You are a good person, and you were a good mom to your kids. You raised them to be independent and think for themselves. If your son chooses not to reconnect with you, that's on him, not you, because he's a grownup and he makes his own choices. But it's his loss, because you are an awesome person. *more hugs*
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Post by S'ewing S'cubie on Apr 7, 2013 10:29:17 GMT -5
There are times when insight is an especially painful process. Tonight I realized I have lost my son permanently. He will never come back to me. He unfriended me on Facebook almost two years ago when I took a humorous poke at him almost exactly like one he had frequently aimed at me. He hates Bob because Bob disagrees with him and isn't afraid to say so, because Bob refuses to be bullied by his temper, because I warned Bob what my son would do and Bob chose to challenge it. Even if by some impossible quirk of fate my son came back into my life, it would be short-lived. My son's FB page reflects a Conservative POV that would spark an arguement if we did someohow reconcile. I never claimed to be a perfect parent. As a matter of fact I sucked at it. Worse, when I look back I know for certain that if I were given a second chance I'd do all those mistakes all over again because that's how my personality is structured. How do I apologize for being who I am? I loved my children but I didn't like them. I didn't know how. Fact is I don't like children in general and I'm cursed with very little patience. Unmixy for parenthood. I don't think I did as well as I could have but I did better than a lot of others have done. I worked hard at controlling a horrific temper with no help or therapy available. Somehow, both kids are independent, productive, successful people. Saying that I didn't have any resources, is the absolute truth, but doesn't excuse the things I did wrong. I am sorry for them, I have tried to improve, but those reactions are still there. The response is gentler only because I am so much older, but it's the same response. This is who I am. My daughter understood--or came to terms with--many years ago and I have worked to make it up with her. Our relationship is really good. My son has never trlied or maybe is unable to respond to all the invitations I've extended. Is it because he's never had children of his own to learn what it entails? Maybe, but his lack of compassion toward others is the opposite of how he was as a child. He came to Ian's funeral. I saw him briefly a time or two in the following months because his dog-murdering then-girlfriend (a totally different story involving obsession and very irrelevant to this reflection) pushed him to it. Since then I have had bronchitis five times, pneumonia twice, broken bones once and two surgeries. There have been four Christmases, four Thanksgivings and four birthdays. I think he called or texted twice for the birthdays. The only times I have learned about his troubles have been when his sister has told me--usually six months to two years after the fact. In spite of all, I have waited and I have hoped. A few days ago my daughter told me that one of his closest friends had passed. I visited his FB page to message my condolences. He has not responded. I now realize he will never respond. The realization has plunged me beyond depression. I am grieving. {{{{{Diane}}}}} You are a good person, and you were a good mom to your kids. You raised them to be independent and think for themselves. If your son chooses not to reconnect with you, that's on him, not you, because he's a grownup and he makes his own choices. But it's his loss, because you are an awesome person. *more hugs* Thank you, Anne, but really you don't know. I may be a good person now but it took years of work. Back then I was not. Not by any definition can I call my parenting anything better than occasionally adequate. There are memories that shame me terribly but I did do all that and I must own it. I can only hope that I balanced the horrible with (hopefully) an equal balance of good. But yes, it is his choice not to reconnect. What is so sad is that he has made that choice. Wouldn't you kmow there was a Buffy link even here? At least I've got some insight into why Angel broods. I'm not going to brood. I will reflect and probably have some depression for a day or two and then, as I have before, file it.
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Post by Queen E on Apr 7, 2013 11:58:49 GMT -5
{{{{{Diane}}}}} You are a good person, and you were a good mom to your kids. You raised them to be independent and think for themselves. If your son chooses not to reconnect with you, that's on him, not you, because he's a grownup and he makes his own choices. But it's his loss, because you are an awesome person. *more hugs* Thank you, Anne, but really you don't know. I may be a good person now but it took years of work. Back then I was not. Not by any definition can I call my parenting anything better than occasionally adequate. There are memories that shame me terribly but I did do all that and I must own it. I can only hope that I balanced the horrible with (hopefully) an equal balance of good. But yes, it is his choice not to reconnect. What is so sad is that he has made that choice. Wouldn't you kmow there was a Buffy link even here? At least I've got some insight into why Angel broods. I'm not going to brood. I will reflect and probably have some depression for a day or two and then, as I have before, file it. Diane: Don't underestimate what a lack of resources (support, financial, educational etc) does to a person's parenting ability. It isn't making excuses or letting yourself off the hook to acknowledge that it is a big factor in how effective one's parenting is. Do you know what I think? (Well, I'm going to tell you either way, cause that's the kind of person I am.) There is still a lot of pressure, and certainly more when you were younger, for women to conform to a particular model of feminine-ness. Particularly the idea that somehow women are naturally maternal, and if they are not, pregnancy and birth will make them so. It is just not true, in my observation. Even if you are the type of person who is, who has good maternal instincts and patience, there are going to be times when your children are just a pain in the ass. Now, I'm not a mom, but I've observed friends and family who've had children, and there are some, like my mom and my niece, who really are good at mom-ness. (Hell, my mom is mom to half my friends as well.) I've seen people are are TERRIBLE at it: cold, immature, even abusive. But mostly it seems like most of us fall in the middle: sometimes we're nurturing and awesome and have all the right instincts...sometimes we're impatient or overbearing or say the wrong thing or aren't there when people need us. From what you've said, I think you did the best you could at the time with what you knew, experienced, and had available to you. And when your children grow up, they have the choice to say: "OK, maybe things weren't perfect, and maybe they'll never be perfect, but that's how it is and we move on from there." If your son is incapable of doing that, if he does not have the empathy or understanding to give up that idea of perfection, then the onus lies with him. It is truly his loss, because he is holding onto an outmoded idea and a tattered fantasy of what life should have been, and that is a waste. Maybe I'm not a parent, but I know from whence I speak. My dad was far from perfect....he was a generous, intelligent, funny, wonderful person, who was raised by alcoholics, became one himself, and was violent and nasty when he drank. He held onto a grudge like it was his last dollar, and when I was younger, I cut him out of my life. But somewhere along the line, I made a choice to put in the effort. He was never going to be the dad of my dreams, but we'd talk, and when he'd go down old, bad tracks, I'd cut him off and say: "We'll talk when you're in a better frame of mind." By the time he died, we had a wonderful relationship, because it was real, with all the quirks and oddities and misunderstandings that any real relationship has. Your son could do the same, but chooses not to, and truly, it is his loss. Sorry for rambling on.
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Post by S'ewing S'cubie on Apr 7, 2013 15:38:38 GMT -5
Thank you, Anne, but really you don't know. I may be a good person now but it took years of work. Back then I was not. Not by any definition can I call my parenting anything better than occasionally adequate. There are memories that shame me terribly but I did do all that and I must own it. I can only hope that I balanced the horrible with (hopefully) an equal balance of good. But yes, it is his choice not to reconnect. What is so sad is that he has made that choice. Wouldn't you kmow there was a Buffy link even here? At least I've got some insight into why Angel broods. I'm not going to brood. I will reflect and probably have some depression for a day or two and then, as I have before, file it. Diane: Don't underestimate what a lack of resources (support, financial, educational etc) does to a person's parenting ability. It isn't making excuses or letting yourself off the hook to acknowledge that it is a big factor in how effective one's parenting is. Do you know what I think? (Well, I'm going to tell you either way, cause that's the kind of person I am.) There is still a lot of pressure, and certainly more when you were younger, for women to conform to a particular model of feminine-ness. Particularly the idea that somehow women are naturally maternal, and if they are not, pregnancy and birth will make them so. It is just not true, in my observation. Even if you are the type of person who is, who has good maternal instincts and patience, there are going to be times when your children are just a pain in the ass. Now, I'm not a mom, but I've observed friends and family who've had children, and there are some, like my mom and my niece, who really are good at mom-ness. (Hell, my mom is mom to half my friends as well.) I've seen people are are TERRIBLE at it: cold, immature, even abusive. But mostly it seems like most of us fall in the middle: sometimes we're nurturing and awesome and have all the right instincts...sometimes we're impatient or overbearing or say the wrong thing or aren't there when people need us. From what you've said, I think you did the best you could at the time with what you knew, experienced, and had available to you. And when your children grow up, they have the choice to say: "OK, maybe things weren't perfect, and maybe they'll never be perfect, but that's how it is and we move on from there." If your son is incapable of doing that, if he does not have the empathy or understanding to give up that idea of perfection, then the onus lies with him. It is truly his loss, because he is holding onto an outmoded idea and a tattered fantasy of what life should have been, and that is a waste. Maybe I'm not a parent, but I know from whence I speak. My dad was far from perfect....he was a generous, intelligent, funny, wonderful person, who was raised by alcoholics, became one himself, and was violent and nasty when he drank. He held onto a grudge like it was his last dollar, and when I was younger, I cut him out of my life. But somewhere along the line, I made a choice to put in the effort. He was never going to be the dad of my dreams, but we'd talk, and when he'd go down old, bad tracks, I'd cut him off and say: "We'll talk when you're in a better frame of mind." By the time he died, we had a wonderful relationship, because it was real, with all the quirks and oddities and misunderstandings that any real relationship has. Your son could do the same, but chooses not to, and truly, it is his loss. Sorry for rambling on. Ramble away. As a parent I fell into the category of occasionally abusive. I hated myself for what I did but if the right buttons were pushed it always seemed to happen again. I don't think I even know what those buttons were, but somehow children always find them just by being chldren. Then one day I caught myself just as I was about to lose it. I got angry after that, but I don't thnkI was ever truly abusive after that. No, my parents weren't paragons either. Both had alcohol and medication issues. My father had an overdose of PTSD on top of that. When I was small they could get violent and even as I got older the fights, if not as destructive, were every bit as traumatizing. I counted myself an adult the day I stood up to my father and told him he was still going to be wrong whether he hit me or not--and he listened. I suppose the worst of the abuse has stopped with my daughter. She isn't a perfect parent, but she's a damn good one. Her daughter seems to be doing even better.
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Post by Michelle on Apr 7, 2013 15:51:40 GMT -5
to you Diane. I can only EETA what Erin said. On a happier note, I want to share a picture that Robin Williams tweeted the other day. You all may have heard that he is doing a pilot and Sarah Michelle Gellar plays his daughter. I love that SMG is going the comedic route after the soap-opera-ish show The Ringer. And she looks so darn cute in this pic! PIC
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Post by Anne, Old S'cubie Cat on Apr 7, 2013 21:15:20 GMT -5
{{{{{Diane}}}}} You are a good person, and you were a good mom to your kids. You raised them to be independent and think for themselves. If your son chooses not to reconnect with you, that's on him, not you, because he's a grownup and he makes his own choices. But it's his loss, because you are an awesome person. *more hugs* Thank you, Anne, but really you don't know. I may be a good person now but it took years of work. Back then I was not. Not by any definition can I call my parenting anything better than occasionally adequate. There are memories that shame me terribly but I did do all that and I must own it. I can only hope that I balanced the horrible with (hopefully) an equal balance of good. But yes, it is his choice not to reconnect. What is so sad is that he has made that choice. Wouldn't you kmow there was a Buffy link even here? At least I've got some insight into why Angel broods. I'm not going to brood. I will reflect and probably have some depression for a day or two and then, as I have before, file it. I hear you. I really don't know what I did right to raise my daughters, all I know is what I did wrong - all the times I lost my temper and screamed at them. It's a wonder they're as sane and level-headed as they are, all things considered. I guess that as long as our offspring are that one step better than we are, we can count it as progress. *more hugs*
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Post by Sue on Apr 8, 2013 13:08:57 GMT -5
Final details....
and details....
and details...
and...and...and....
Mostly just emails from Allie asking if I confirmed ....
and from me saying I confirmed ....
and phone calls to confirm..
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Post by Spaced Out Looney on Apr 8, 2013 15:57:52 GMT -5
There are times when insight is an especially painful process. Tonight I realized I have lost my son permanently. He will never come back to me. He unfriended me on Facebook almost two years ago when I took a humorous poke at him almost exactly like one he had frequently aimed at me. He hates Bob because Bob disagrees with him and isn't afraid to say so, because Bob refuses to be bullied by his temper, because I warned Bob what my son would do and Bob chose to challenge it. Even if by some impossible quirk of fate my son came back into my life, it would be short-lived. My son's FB page reflects a Conservative POV that would spark an arguement if we did someohow reconcile. I never claimed to be a perfect parent. As a matter of fact I sucked at it. Worse, when I look back I know for certain that if I were given a second chance I'd do all those mistakes all over again because that's how my personality is structured. How do I apologize for being who I am? I loved my children but I didn't like them. I didn't know how. Fact is I don't like children in general and I'm cursed with very little patience. Unmixy for parenthood. I don't think I did as well as I could have but I did better than a lot of others have done. I worked hard at controlling a horrific temper with no help or therapy available. Somehow, both kids are independent, productive, successful people. Saying that I didn't have any resources, is the absolute truth, but doesn't excuse the things I did wrong. I am sorry for them, I have tried to improve, but those reactions are still there. The response is gentler only because I am so much older, but it's the same response. This is who I am. My daughter understood--or came to terms with--many years ago and I have worked to make it up with her. Our relationship is really good. My son has never trlied or maybe is unable to respond to all the invitations I've extended. Is it because he's never had children of his own to learn what it entails? Maybe, but his lack of compassion toward others is the opposite of how he was as a child. He came to Ian's funeral. I saw him briefly a time or two in the following months because his dog-murdering then-girlfriend (a totally different story involving obsession and very irrelevant to this reflection) pushed him to it. Since then I have had bronchitis five times, pneumonia twice, broken bones once and two surgeries. There have been four Christmases, four Thanksgivings and four birthdays. I think he called or texted twice for the birthdays. The only times I have learned about his troubles have been when his sister has told me--usually six months to two years after the fact. In spite of all, I have waited and I have hoped. A few days ago my daughter told me that one of his closest friends had passed. I visited his FB page to message my condolences. He has not responded. I now realize he will never respond. The realization has plunged me beyond depression. I am grieving. I'm tearing up even as I read your post and write my response. I feel like I feel your pain here, only from the other side. I mean, the circumstances and personalities are different, but this situation with your kids sounds much like my and my brother's situation with my mom. Can't really offer much consolation, especially not beyond what everyone else has. I can only say that you're not alone, and can feel almost certain that your son feels the pain of this as much as you do.
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Post by S'ewing S'cubie on Apr 8, 2013 18:27:55 GMT -5
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